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"Who are you to tell me who I am?"
Kebarileng Sebetoane
Extracted from Sister Namibia, Vol 19 #2.
May 31, 2007

On 7 March 2004, when I was 17 years old, I started hating all men. It took one man to make me hate all men. I hated him so much. The only thing I could think of was killing him. On that night I made a promise to myself that I'd never associate myself with any other man. I blamed myself. The thought of him on top of me, unable to defend myself made facing tomorrow impossible. I saw no hope and lost faith. My dreams were shattered, and the freedom to say I am me was lost.

Kingsley* and I were friends, more like a brother and sister. I was on my way from the Forum for the Empowerment of Women (FEW) offices in Johannesburg where I attended life skills and computer training when I first met him. He introduced himself as a gay man, but not many people knew about his sexuality, so he said. He warned me not to tell anybody especially his friends because he was not 'out' to everyone. We'd spent most of our days together if I was not with my girlfriend or my other friends, and it would feel odd if days passed without seeing each other.

One evening we went out to a club near his home. I started dancing with other people, some friends from high school, and was really enjoying myself when his mood changed. He complained I was spending too much time with others. I didn't want to upset him, so I sat with him. It got late, and he had the only key for the house. I insisted on going home. It was chilly, and he wanted to get something warm to wear. We went to his place. I went to the outside toilet and thought he was getting a jacket. I was shocked to see him standing right in front of the toilet. He didn't look happy so I asked him what was wrong. He didn't reply; he went to his room. I followed him with a hope of finding out. That was the worst mistake I ever made.

I got a bit tense when he started giving me the 'you make me sick look'. He locked the door. He began swearing at me and saying how much he hates people who pretend. I asked him what he was talking about. He was furious with the lesbian life I was living. He said I should stop taking other people's girlfriends and that I was beautiful and capable of getting myself a boyfriend. I got angry and argued back. He slapped me on the face and warned me, "Tonight I'm going to change you, and from now on you are my new girlfriend."

I told him that I know my rights and got up to leave. He grabbed a screwdriver and threatened to stab me. I became quiet, trying to find a way to calm him down and to leave without getting hurt. He ordered me to take off my clothes while he hit me with anything he came across. I cried and screamed, but he told me he wasn't scared of anything or anyone. He punched me, and I thought he was going to kill me if I fought back.

He raped me repeatedly for over an hour. I was quiet with tears streaming down my face. He continued to beat me and kept asking me if I loved him. When I said no, the beating got worse. A little after midnight he fell asleep.

I dressed silently and left. I went straight home and cried the whole night. His smell was all over my clothes and body, and it felt like he was still with me. I took a bath three times. I called Zanele Muholi of FEW, the only person I could relate to. We went to People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA) for counseling and then to Johannesburg for a medical exam and treatment. We didn't get help because there were neither doctors nor nurses on duty, and they had no crime kits. They also said that it was not possible for a doctor based in Johannesburg to testify in a case originating in Krugersdorp.

Zanele organised a car, and we drove to Kagiso. Again there was no doctor on duty and no crime kits at the crisis centre. While we were waiting for the doctor, the police arrived with a crime kit. After three hours, the doctor came. I was examined, and then he took the statement for the medical report. I told him that the guy raped me because I was a lesbian. As soon as he heard this he stopped writing. "Why are you a lesbian at this age? Do you know that it is against the constitution to make such a decision without the consent of a parent? You are wearing a cross of Christ; did you know that it is an abomination in the eyes of God to be a lesbian?" he questioned.

"The guy raped me because he wanted to change me; are you saying that was the right thing to do?" I asked him. He didn't answer. Instead he scratched off the report and said, "There is no sign of forceful penetration because the girl had already broken her virginity. The blood stain in the eyes is due to constant rubbing and might develop further if not treated." Without a medical report I had a weakened case.

The police finally arrived, and I opened a case. I went home, but couldn't stay long, my safety was not guaranteed. Later, I got a call from the police informing me the guy had been arrested and that I'd be notified in advance about the case and court details. I left Johannesburg to ease my mind and spent a month in Kwa Zulu Natal. When I came back, I heard Kingsley had been released from jail. I called the sergeant who was handling the case. He told me the same thing. "They'll notify you in advance."

On 28 August 2004, I saw my rapist; he approached me and threatened to kill me. I felt cold, betrayed, angry and very scared. I called the sergeant, but couldn't get hold of him. I went to the station. They couldn't find the docket and said it didn't exist. I was failed medically, and the justice system proved its inexistence. South Africa is celebrating twelve years of democracy, but with written policies that are not implemented. We are told to co-operate and not take the law into our own hands. Others harm us and get away with it; we have no way getting justice. Will South Africa ever change and accommodate everyone?

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