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I have animal instincts, like you
Rejoice Ngwenya
June 13, 2012

It-s not a myth. Female Praying Mantises devour their male partners after mating. But with no intentions to flatter egos of our excitable 'fe-male- spouses and partners, let me expose those of us 'hu-males- who at times exhibit such instincts commensurate with primeval animal behaviour. I know. You anticipate my habitual lambasting of ZANU-PF-s predatory pre-election animal-like savagery. Not today. Let me remain in the less-provocative human-interest realm. Temporary reprieve for the Hague-bound cronies, I guess!

Some of us men - when it comes to interpreting our spousal partners- relations with the 'outside world- - exhibit clinical conditions of what I term hysterical defensive low self-esteem [HDLSE]. Empirical evidence is one lion detained at a conservancy outside Harare. He spends afternoons nervously pacing the paddock perimeter fence while the rest of the pride relax under cool Msasa trees. The warden explains: "There are two other young males in the adjacent paddocks. 'Pacing punk- lives under this permanent illusion that one of the studs will jump over for an unsolicited conjugal expedition on any of the female partners." I soliloquize: animal love disguised as convoluted, lustful jealousy! Territorial schizophrenia! Constituency 'ownership-!

[Most] of us hu-males - educated or not, professional, skilled, semi-skilled, literate, illiterate, atheist, Christian, married or single - are pacing punks. We subject our idle minds to agony over who our wives and partners work, talk or socialise with. Severe HDLSE cases are in denial. Inadequacy and gross incompetence in fulfilling our wives and partner-s emotional, social and economic needs cause us to - like insecure Panthera Leo - expend energy in defending imaginary reproductive boundaries!

HDLSE manifests itself in a dozen ways - the worst being domestic [and political!] violence. I use italics because of psychological connotations. Hu-male pacing punks keep their professional wives or partners unemployed; neither do they let them own cars, wear mini-skirts, travel outside the country or even greet men after church. Pacing punks imagine how male 'intruders- will assist their wives and partners change flat tyres, jump start or carry groceries to their car. A pacing punk has nightmares of what his wife or partner may do with her boss or doctor behind closed office doors. The HDLSE 'patient- is anxious that if his spouse or partner goes to a retreat, conference or camp meeting, some 'testosteronic- stud will stray onto his hallowed reproductive territory!

I know pacing punks who go ballistic when wives or partners open banking accounts and send money to parents. HDLSE causes us hu-males to insist on family shopping. We make our miserable car-less partners wait in the cold after work or chaperone them at hairdressers. Pacing punks cannot stand the thought of a repairman at home in their absence. When their wife or partner catches a long distance bus, severe HDLSE cases ensure she shares a seat only with another fe-male. Convenient excuse: men steal from women while they snooze!

My favourite pacing punk is the proverbial Peeping Tom. He not only sneaks into his wife-s or partner-s handbag to look for 'unusual gifts-, but also invests valuable time in 'Sherlock Holming- her cell phone directory. He is consumed by a fit of patriarchal rage on 'discovering- a 'nice things- message from a hu-male stranger. His deliriously vengeful threats range from separation, withdrawal of 'benefits-, reporting the woman to relatives, litigation, call-list printout, divorce, or worse still - suicidal self immolation! Men, if we-re social or political pacing punks - severe HDLSE cases that is - the only sustainable cure may be Pray Mantis post-mating justice!

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