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Three professors & an ancestral spirit: Another tragicomedy in one act
Petina Gappah
August 29, 2008

The scene is the August chamber of Zimbabwe-s House of Assembly. Professor Ncube and Professor Mutambara step down from the public gallery where they have been observing proceedings. Professor Moyo waves to them to enter the now empty chamber. Professor Ncube passes a loving, longing, lingering hand over the white leather of the Speaker-s chair. Professor Mutambara crouches and begins to drum a gentle tattoo on the little drum beneath the horn to the right of the chair. Professor Ncube gives him a fierce look and he stops.

Prof. Moyo: So you saw how the Speaker election went down. I did what I could. Sylvester Nguni proposed a motion to elect Paul Themba Nyathi. I seconded the motion to elect Paul Themba Nyathi. I voted for Paul Themba Nyathi. Our comrades, 97 Zanu-PF stalwarts, voted for Paul Themba Nyathi. Paul Themba Nyathi lost. There was not much to do after that.

Prof. Ncube: The main concern for us Prof, is how we can spin this to make our party look good.

Prof. Moyo: Well, Prof, I thought yours was the party of the master strategists?

Prof Mutambara: I am coming out of Oxford.

Prof. Ncube: Can you help at all?

Prof. Moyo: Well, at this point, all I can say is that you are on your own, boys. I mean Professors.

Prof. Ncube: Prof, you know that humility and I are strangers to each other, but I am wise enough to acknowledge a master. No one spins better than you. And remember Prof that your future is at stake here too, imagine if Tsvangirai assumes any real power. Do you think that he will trust you again after the way you shafted him?

Prof Mutambara: Morgan Richard Tsvangirai is an intellectual midget.

Prof. Moyo: Is there any way of shutting this fellow up?

Prof. Ncube: It is pointless - we have tried but he seems to be on some sort of auto-pilot. And lately, he has taken to repeating things he has said in the past. We sometimes need to shake him out of it, but we have found it best to just ignore him. So, how do we spin this?

Prof. Moyo: Do what the opposition is famous for doing.

Prof Ncube: Flip-flop?

Prof. Moyo: No, the other thing.

Prof Ncube: Boycott?

Prof Moyo: No I don-t mean that.

Prof Ncube: Run for cover to the Dutch embassy?

Prof. Moyo: I mean blame Zanu-PF.

Prof. Ncube: But we have a common interest in ensuring that Tsvangirai does not taste any power. How can we blame Zanu-PF?

Prof Mutambara: Over the past 27 years Zanu-PF has developed a distinct socio-politico-economic culture and value system rooted in political illegitimacy, poor country governance, economic mismanagement, bad policies, corruption, patronage, incompetence, and disrespect for the rule of law. These traits are now deeply rooted within Zanu-PF, which is rotten to the core. Mugabe is the glue that keeps the rot together. A reformed Zanu-PF as the panacea to the Zimbabwean crisis is not on the agenda.

(Professor Ncube moves to stand on the white leather footstool beneath the Speaker-s chair and shakes Professor Mutambara who stops speaking. Professor Ncube turns his attention back to Professor Moyo)

Prof. Moyo: You are assuming that Zanu-PF is a monolithic entity whereas . . .

Prof. Ncube: (with the gladsome cry of one who has seen the light) Whereas there are actually factions within factions within factions!

Prof. Moyo: So you divert attention to one faction.

Prof. Ncube: That way, the President will still like us, we will still be relevant, and we can still do a deal!

Prof Mutambara: Those that govern must do so with the consent of the governed. The will of the people must be sovereign. The victor in a fraudulent vote will neither have the legitimacy to govern, nor receive recognition internally or externally.

Prof. Ncube: And if we can cut a deal with the regime, that will weaken Morgan Tsvangirai.

Prof Mutambara: I introduced Morgan Tsvangirai to opposition politics.

Prof. Moyo: So all you have to do is to make sure that you identify the right faction to blame.

Prof. Ncube: We will blame Mujuru!

Prof. Moyo: Nah, too obvious. Everyone blames Mujuru.

Prof. Ncube: Mnangagwa!

Prof. Moyo: You are reasoning like someone with a mere Masters degree. Don-t you realise he is on the ascendancy?

Prof. Ncube: John Nkomo!

Prof. Moyo: You really have to be more subtle than that.

Prof. Ncube: Oh, oh, oh, I know. I know! Mutasa!

Prof. Moyo: Jane Mutasa? Good one, blame a woman. Always a smart move.

Prof. Ncube: No, I mean Didymus Mutasa.

Prof. Moyo: Does he have a faction?

Prof. Ncube: Well if he doesn-t, he is the only one without one; I mean, just look how many factions there are in Zanu-PF.

Prof. Moyo: There are as many factions as there are journalists to write about factions.
(The two professors collapse into loud guffaws of professorial laughter at this professorial witticism)
Prof Mutambara: I am the anti-senate President of the pro-senate MDC.

Prof. Moyo: You want to get at someone with a little power but obviously not too much power, someone like Sithembiso Nyoni.

Prof. Ncube: Sithembiso Nyoni?

Prof. Moyo: She is the new Speaker-s mother-in-law.

Prof. Ncube: And even better, she is a woman!

Prof. Moyo: You said it, Prof, if you can get away with it, you should always blame a woman.

Prof Mutambara: (As though waking from a trance) We can make it a regional loyalty issue. This was just a case of people from Matabeleland picking one of their own.

(The two professors look at him with perplexed faces)

Prof. Mutambara: (Very slowly, as though explaining to two four-year-olds) Lovemore Moyo is from Matabeleland.

Prof. Moyo: (Equally slowly) Paul Themba Nyathi is from Matabeleland.

Prof. Ncube: I am from Matabeleland.

Prof. Moyo: And I am from Matabeleland.

Prof. Ncube: All our elected MPs are from Matabeleland.

Prof Mutambara: Right, yes, well, the experience of Gukurahundi should be understood as a total negation of the heroic revolution we exalt today.

Prof. Moyo: So that-s the strategy, blame a small, unimportant faction in Zanu-PF. It was them who voted for Moyo, not your MPs.

Prof. Ncube: That is pure genius.

Prof. Moyo: What can I say, I am pure genius. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, blow myself a little kiss and say, Jonathan, you are ridiculously brilliant.

Prof. Mutambara: The time has come to execute an inter-generational mandate. We will not recognise a national leadership produced by a fraudulent process. We will not enter into any negotiations with such an illegal regime. There will be absolutely no compromise, retreat or surrender on this position. No one should force the Zimbabwean political parties, who won a majority of the votes on March 29, into negotiations with an illegitimate ruler. We hope that President Thabo Mbeki and other African leaders are listening carefully and understand our disposition clearly. We mean what we are saying, and we will walk the talk.

Prof. Moyo: What is he on about?

Prof. Ncube: I told you, everything he says is taken from a previous speech or statement. What he has just said is taken from the speech he made on 20 June 2008, just before the run-off. The problem is that he makes so many conflicting speeches every week that his mind simply can-t keep up with itself. The controls of his multi-sensor systems sometimes go a little haywire. His computational intelligence has been affected.

Prof Moyo: Multi-sensor systems? Computational intelligence?

Prof. Ncube: He wrote a book about it. You should check it out, it-s on Amazon. Anyway, he just needs another good shake.

(Gives Mutambara another good shake)

Prof. Mutambara: We need effective implementation planning and execution and not paralysis by analysis.

Prof. Ncube: So how about this for a statement: We are aware that Zanu-PF parliamentarians, particularly the Sithembiso Nyoni group were canvassing and voted for Lovemore Moyo. We are more than certain that our MPs voted for our candidate.

Prof .Moyo: Don-t be too grudging. Remember to congratulate Lovemore Moyo. You never know when you might want to be his friend.

Prof. Ncube: Good one, Prof.

Prof. Moyo: In fact, Prof, I think he and I are related. As I recall, he is the first cousin once removed of my seventh cousin twice removed on our father-s side. And his cousin-s mother-in-law is a schoolteacher in Tsholotsho. It may be time to rediscover our common roots. I will send him a message using the "we are related" application on Facebook, and take it from there.

Prof. Ncube: You never cease to amaze me, Prof.

Prof Moyo: And I never cease to amaze myself, Prof.

Prof. Mutambara: We are standing on the shoulders of Nikita Mangena.
(There is a gust of wind and suddenly, Rotina Mavhunga, the diesel n-anga, hovers in the air before descending into the chamber).

Rotina Mavhunga: (In the dulcet tones that charmed Mugabe-s cabinet) Professor Ncube, Professor Moyo, and Professor Mutambara: Changamire Dombo has taken advantage of supernatural high-speed wifi technology to traverse across space and time and, using me as his medium, pass on this message to Professor Mutambara. The message says, Dear Professor Mutambara, I would be most appreciative if you could find somebody else-s shoulders to stand on from now. You are a hefty chap, old boy, all those Sandton meals, don-t you know, and the old shoulders are not what they were, getting a little creaky, what. Very respectfully, and wishing you all the very best in your future endeavours etcetera, etcetera and cheerio, the spirit of Nikita Mangena.

(As she speaks, diesel suddenly starts to spew from the tips of two horns framing the Speaker-s chair, and towards the three professors. The three are thrown into turmoil, and, with distinctly unprofessorial screams of panic, they unprofessorially run out of the chamber without looking back.

Rotina Mavhunga gives a loud belch, and sits down in the speaker-s chair).

Rotina Mavhunga: (In Changamire Dombo-s deep but somnolent voice) Imported Chinese Leather. Top-quality stitching. Soft but firm seat. I could get used to this.

(He/she settles her/himself comfortably on the chair, and stretches her/his legs on the white leather footstool. S/he falls into a deep slumber, and in a matter of seconds, the chamber resonates with his/her snores. The little drums flanking the Speaker-s chair begin to beat loudly. The chamber is filled with voices singing Mhondoro dzinomwa muna Zambezi/ Mhondoro dzinomwa munaSave/ Mhondoro dzinomwa zuva rodoka/ Mhondoro dzinomwa wohiye).

And we fade to black.

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