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Talks, dialogue, negotiations and GNU - Post June 2008 "elections" - Index of articles
Boys
will be boys
John Eppel
July 29, 2008
http://petinagappah.blogspot.com/2008/07/boys-will-be-boys-guest-contribution-by.html
The scene was set for
talks which would redeem Zimbabwe. The party in power renamed itself
PAPA (Popular Association of Patriotic Ascendants), while the party
in opposition renamed itself DADDY (Democratic Association of Do
or Die Yeomen). A neutral venue had been chosen deep in the South
African platteland, a holiday resort on a golf course designed by
acolytes of Sol Kerzner to cater for the world-s wealthiest
tourists, who may be separated into four categories: sporting heroes,
film stars, CEOs, and government ministers. Zimbabwe was on the
brink of civil war. The economy had collapsed, and with it the rule
of law as well as the once admirable ethical system based on what
Kenyans call harambee, where the welfare of the community at large
takes precedent over solipsists who think that the world exists
for their pleasure, a pleasure most frequently located in the belly
and the loins.
These talks had to succeed.
Both sides had to make
compromises in order to establish some kind of power-sharing government
that would draft a new constitution, a level playing field, as the
politicians like to put it, so that future elections could be free
and fair, as the politicians like to put it. A memorandum of understanding
had been signed, a mediator from a neutral country had been appointed
(an eminent person who dressed and behaved like the stereotype of
an English gentleman, paradoxically, because he detested the English).
"Shall we begin?"
purred the mediator puffing on a Dunhill pipe stuffed with Three
Nuns tobacco. His silver grey Saville Row suit exuded a pleasant
aroma of English Leather, which blended synaesthetically with the
rich caramel of his Chivas Regal whisky, taken not neat, not on
the rocks, not with soda, but with an equal measure of tap water.
His choice of tipple set the tone, and all the delegates around
the table were fondling glasses of the aforementioned scotch: doubles.
PAPA:
We as the party in power are 'concerned about the recent challenges
that we have faced as a country and the multiple threats to the
well-being of our people-.
DADDY:
We as a two-pronged opposition are in the process of 'dedicating
ourselves to putting an end to the polarisation, divisions, conflict
and intolerance that have characterised our country-s politics-.
PAPA:
We are 'determined to build a society free of violence, fear,
intimidation, hate...er... patronage, corruption, and founded on
justice, fairness, openness, transparency, dignity and equality-.
DADDY:
We recognize the 'centrality and importance of African institutions
in dealing with African problems, and agreeing to seek solutions
to our differences, challenges and problems through dialogue under
the auspices of the...er... SADC mediation, supported and endorsed
by the African Union....-
PAPA:
We are desirous of 'entering into a dialogue with a view to
returning Zimbabwe to prosperity-.
DADDY:
And we recognize 'that such a dialogue requires agreement
on procedures and processes that will guide the dialogue-.
"Good, that-s
very good," purred the mediator taking a sip of his Chivas
Regal and tamping the bowl of his pipe with a horny forefinger.
Are you ready to sign?"
PAPA:
Not quite. It has come to our notice that our...er...colleagues
from DADDY were given the table with the best view in the wine garden.
DADDY:
And it has come to our notice that our...er...colleagues from PAPA
have minibars in their rooms, while we-
PAPA:
You have en suite bathrooms and-
DADDY:
We never get a chance to use the spa because you -
PAPA:
Well, what about those girls you were allowed to take into your
rooms while we-
DADDY:
Shutup!
PAPA:
No, you shutup!
"Gentlemen, gentlemen,"
purred the mediator , striking a third match in the serene process
of re-lighting his pipe, "let-s have another scotch.
Waiter! And while we-re about it, let-s find another
venue, a five star resort where you will be guaranteed equal treatment.
I know a place outside Jo-burg, which serves the finest champagne
in the world. And the waitresses are topless."
DADDY:
Bottomless too, I hope. Mine-s a double.
There was much mirth
at this joke, and as the glasses were re-charged - doubles nudged
into trebles - PAPAS and DADDIES shook each others- hands
and slapped each others- backs, and playfully punched each
others- shoulders. After all, boys will be boys.
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