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The Saga Continueth
Shane Kidd, Chimanimani, Zimbabwe
June 25, 2004

Friday 21st May, 2004
It is the dawn of time. Somewhere on the African savanna (the cradle of mankind) sits the one of the sons of Lucy, Lucy who has so recently taken her first upright steps and who is the mother of us all. Lucy's son squats in this tinder dry savanna and out of boredom; frustration or pure curiosity strikes two rocks together. Behold, fire man's first tool is invented. Our ancestors seek warmth beside it and use its light to protect themselves from the terrors of the night. They hunt with it, cook their meals and in the evenings tell story's beside its warming glow. With the invention of this basic tool mankind will one day send men to the moon and space ships to explore the universe. Through the ages the secrets of fire are handed down from father to son, mother to daughter.

Fast forward to the present day; in a back water banana republic somewhere in the deepest darkest Africa. Chinamasa the Minister of Lawlessness and Disorder and Didimus Mutasa the Minister of Corruption, stalwarts of the illustrious ZANU (PF) party have just had their inflated egos and bums bruised in an encounter with that arch fiend Bennett. They decide to wreak their vengeance, by hatching a cunning plan with Knight who is the local factotum of the ZANU (PF) party in Chimanimani, Bennett's constituency. The plan is stunning in its brilliance and concept. Using the latest technology, matches and diesel, they will send their avenging hordes to destroy the MDC offices with fire.

At about 7pm Maguta arrives at my gate with the news that the avenging hoard has set fire to the office. I'm never that motivated in the evening so it takes me 45 minutes to get my act together drive down there. The avenging hoard have set fire to a wooded kitchen at the back of the MDC offices and poured diesel under the front door in order to set the concrete floor ablaze. Hey what can I say I didn't hire these fools?

In the interim Birgit phones the police and reports the matter to the current Fool in Charge Inspector Ruzvidzo he says he will attend immediately. Needless to say that's the last we see or hear of him. I really don't know why we even bother reporting anything to them; they are nothing more than oxygen thieves. If you dressed up a bunch of logs in police uniform they would be more useful. At least the collective IQ would be higher.

In the interest of journalistic integrity we need to qualify the phrase "avenging horde". The horde consists of Lazarus who has a room temperature IQ and is one of Mwale's CIO sidekicks and his retarded mate Tawanda. As we approach the office to put out the fire they start throwing rocks at us from the dark. I sit there trading insults with them for a while, then I got bored and I wander off to find some reinforcement just in case they had more people hidden in the dark. I returned in about 20 minutes by which time the valiant defenders of Chinamasa and Mutasa's honour and fearless soldiers of the ZANU (PF) had departed. We put out the fire and the evening's entertainment come to an end. Total damage inflicted - the top 3 lines of timber on the wooden kitchen are burnt. The most serious injury of the evening is self inflicted. I manage to find my thumb with a hammer whilst repairing some broken boards on the fence. If I lose at golf tomorrow I will definitely sue someone.

Beneath the ludicrousness of this event is an underlying seriousness that needs to be examined. Chinamasa and Mutasa are men of power in this strange government of ours. They make day to day decisions that affect the lives and future of all Zimbabweans. They are held in esteem by our neighbour and are greeted with honour wherever they go. They hatch their cunning plan to burn down the MDC office and through the good offices of Knight they hire these two retards. The retards in question with the help of diesel and matches, fail to burn down a wooden building.

Now to the nub of the matter, in the press you often hear the phrase "you don't need to be a rocket scientist". But let's be honest if you're going to hire someone to commit arson the only qualifications they need are the ability to walk upright without dragging their knuckles on the ground and a parent who has taught them one of the fundamental lesson of existence. The question, if Chinamasa and Mutasa have failed in their ineptitude to accomplish this basic task then what qualifies them and their ilk to govern this back water banana republic.

Wednesday 26th May, 2004
Well I've disappeared up the mountains for 6 days with Doug, Garth and crew. Why Garth loves the mountain trips in the middle of winter is beyond human understanding. Well I suppose we all have to tolerate our friends little idiosyncrasies and perversities. God knows what Mel has to put up with.

In my absence Birgit holds the keys to the fort and is responsible for looking after our various fire hazards which we so gleefully call property in this absurd country of ours.

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