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Diary of an HIV-positive man
The Herald (Zimbabwe)
October 11, 2008

http://www.herald.co.zw/inside.aspx?sectid=195&cat=8

He has been living with HIV for the past five years. He took the test after his wife of 20 years had tested positive. Tamuka (not real name) says that day will forever be imprinted on his mind because it was the last time he was to ever have a conversation that lasted more than an hour with the woman he is married to. "She has hated me since then. She lives in the same house with me only because there is nowhere else she can go to. We don't laugh together, and we rarely talk to each other. We talk "AT" each other only when it is absolutely necessary - mostly about money or the children, he said."

The reason Tamuka (42) is convinced that his wife hates him is because, when she tested positive, she accused him of having brought the virus into her home and her body. She told all her friends and relatives that she was dying, because her husband had been sleeping around with the "whole country." "Yes, I may have cheated a few times in this marriage but nothing out of the ordinary. I am definitely not the "Mr Harare" that my wife, her friends, and family are now portraying me to be. I am just a regular, ordinary man who, strayed from the marital bed a few times. I am very remorseful that what I did in the past has destroyed my wife and our family life, but I don't think that the fact that we have both tested HIV positive should mean the end of our relationship and our lives," he said.

What is making the couple's plight even more difficult for the wife to handle is that Tamuka cannot cope with the medical bills. As an administrative clerk with a Harare based company, Tamuka says he is finding it difficult to make ends meet. While in the past few years, he drove a decent car, rented a house in a medium-density suburb, and managed to contribute to a good medical aid scheme, today all that is history. Many Zimbabweans who, enjoyed a good standard of living a few years ago, today are barely making ends meet. Just eating three meals a day has become a luxury, while a visit to the doctor is something that only a few still manage without stressing for days on end. Most medical aid schemes are now virtually useless with members having to pay ridiculous amounts, mostly foreign currency as top ups or co-payments.

With food also now selling in foreign currency, you wonder whether everyone is now going to get their salary in foreign currency. If not, then one cannot help but wonder where our policy leaders expect everyone to suddenly get hard currency from, so that they can survive. Surveys that I conducted this week showed me that many doctors are now charging consultation fees ranging between USD20 and USD50. Going to a laboratory for a test or scan can cost as much as 75USD. A CD4 count is even going for as much as USD130. How is a person who is earning between Z$50 000 and $120 000 expected to raise USD130 to get the all essential CD4 count done?

Tamuka says he has been lucky for he has never spent a day in bed since he tested positive. "It seems God knows the problems I am facing. I have been sick yes, but have never failed to wake up and go to work as a result. This has made it possible for me to work as hard (I do deals on the side) as I can so that I can afford to pay for my wife's regular visits to the doctor. "We were both advised to take Cotrimoxazole but so far only she is taking the drug while I go without because I cannot afford to buy supplies for two people," he said.

Asked whether it is love for his wife, which makes him put her first before himself, Tamuka smiles and says: "Yes, I love her. She is the mother of my children. I may have cheated on her, but this never meant I wanted to get rid of her. Today I know better, but it is too late. I know now, that, if you love someone, you don't hurt them; but its unfortunate that my wife doesn't believe it." Asked whether he does not realize that by not taking the Cotrimoxazole doctors advised him to take and not going for regular medical check-ups, he is putting his own health at risk, Tamuka says he also has no option but to make sure that each time he has money, it goes towards his wife's upkeep because he feels responsible for her. "If I had not cheated on her, then we would not be in this predicament," he says.

I asked him why he was so sure that he is the one who infected his wife and he said: "That's the proper thing to say. Even if she had known men before I married her, I don't have to say this to anyone. "Even if I suspect that she could have cheated on me at some point in our marriage, society never blames a married woman. I must be the one who brought this into the home.

Gone now is the rented house in the medium-density suburb. Tamuka, his wife and their three children now stay in two rooms behind his parents' home in Kambuzuma where they pay a small amount as rent. They don't even remember the last time they ate "meat" as the price has just soared beyond Tamuka's reach. His wife used to go to Botswana to buy goods for re-sale but ever since she tested positive, she stopped. "She says it is my responsibility to take care of her and the children. If I didn't have enough money, she says I would not have been able to sleep around and get HIV," Tamuka told me.

He shares harrowing tales of walking all the way into town at times after failing to raise money for busfare. His oldest child finished Form Four last year but failed to get the required five passes to proceed. The father says while he would want his son to go back to school, the funds are just not available. "Imagine, if they are suffering so much while I am living, what will happen when I am gone. Obviously this illness is just eating me up, and it is a matter of time until my systems just give in. "Right now my wife needs to have a CD4 count done, but I cannot afford it and am at a loss as to what I should do. I can only shudder to think what will happen when we both need to take ARVs," he says.

Doctors I spoke to said it is important for Tamuka to seek medical attention too for his own well-being. A couple that is living with HIV, who spoke on condition of anonymity said it was important for Tamuka and his wife to forgive each other for past hurts and forge along as husband and wife. The couple said both Tamuka and wife were holding onto baggage, and they needed to let go to enjoy longer and healthier lives. "Real treatment begins inside, in one's soul and being. The two should heal the wounds they are nursing inside and then they can begin to look at what medicines can do for them; the two advised.

*Beatrice Tonhodzayi is a Programme Officer-Media for Southern Africa HIV and AIDS Information Dissemination Service (SAfAIDS).

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