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Do This; Do That, Be a Real Man
*Gail Iris Neke, Itch Vol 1 Issue 3
October 2004

"As a boy, I was told: that when I grew up, I would be a hero . . . like in the comics and history books; and in war. As a boy, I was told: a real man dies like a hero . . . strong and virile. As a boy, I was told: men risk their lives; drive fast and live dangerously; I have to be brave. As a boy, I was told: it's okay to kill small things like birds; that's what boys do; boys play with guns and pretend to kill each other; men often have to be aggressive . . . violent books and movies are what men like. As a boy, I was told: I may have to risk my life in a war . . . men are trained to be cannon-fodder; to kill someone else to protect myself and my country . . . I cannot refuse or show I'm scared. As a boy, I was told: to go through initiation, to join a gang, to prove myself through danger; to pretend to be tougher than other boys even if I'm unsure; I must fight if I'm insulted; others must be afraid of me, of my violence, so they don't pick on me; real boys are tough. As a boy, I was told: when I'm older I can bully weaker boys and get my own back. As a boy, I was told: I must play dangerous sport to satisfy the boys and my dad; if I get hurt, I must take the pain "like a man"; my injuries are medals. As a boy, I was told: if I am in trouble, I can't talk to anyone; I must solve the problem myself; I must never be afraid or helpless; I must never cry or feel vulnerable or scared of failing; or show I am lonely or unhappy or rejected; men don't talk about feelings, especially with other men, it's soft to even think about them; it's safer, even useful, to show emotions to a woman, it makes her feel close. As a boy, I was told: I must not do things girls do. As a boy, I was told: girls are weak and scared and mean; boys laugh at you if you spend time with girls; girls talk all the time, talking is a waste of time; I must be loud and funny, not serious; boys get into trouble; girls are more mature but boys have more fun and freedom. As a boy, I was told: we must put girls down; men put women down. As a boy, I was told: to be one of the guys; even if I felt different; I must make jokes and disrupt the class; back-chat the teacher; pretend I don't care about punishment; only sissies do lots of schoolwork. As a boy, I was told: to obey the rules . . . of the school gangs; of sport, of the army, of the business world. As a boy, I was told: you don't rat on any boy even if he does something seriously bad; men don't break rank. As a boy, I was told: I must be a leader . . . at work, at home and in life. At least I'll be a leader at home. As a boy, I was told: I must always win and never fail; a real man is on the winning side; someone else has to lose, to feel less than me. I must be successful . . . even if I bend the rules, even if I use some force. As a boy, I was told: I am always in competition with other males. As a boy, I was told: the man is breadwinner and head of the household . . . otherwise he's a failure. As a boy, I was told: a wife must move where her husband's job takes him; she doesn't have a career . . . just a hobby; a woman doesn't support a man or earn more than him . . . as if he can't earn enough; a woman working is the reason children run wild. As a boy, I was told: it's bad for men now that women are getting all the jobs; a woman in a top position is not a real woman; there are jobs that women can't do, like engineering; men have to work hard and long hours; men are always supporting others; women spend the money; women demand independence but complain if he works overtime or doesn't earn enough. As a boy, I was told: fathers are always strong and controlled; men are decisive; they always know what to do; they never say if they are scared, if they are losing or failing; fathers are respected or feared; it's okay to be angry . . . angry men are real men; you can't get close to a father; he is distant, not there for his children; fathers do not hold their sons; you can't talk to a father about serious things or your fear . . . he won't be able to help. As a boy, I was told: a mother does housework when she gets home; a father takes out garbage; a mother appreciates it when he helps out, but she must tell him what to do; a real man doesn't know how to look after children; fathers do the real work so they decide on expensive things; marriage is what women want; women make the house look good because they love the man; a meal is ready for him when he comes home; the mother asks about his day; she has nothing interesting to say so he reads his paper or watches TV; mothers and sisters serve fathers and brothers; mothers discipline the kids; a father takes the children off her hands and does fun things now and again; men haven't time to think about what their children need; fathers don't pay maintenance or take responsibility; bad children come from single-parent homes, a father makes them okay. As a boy, I was told: a man is only a man if he has a son. As a boy, I was told: boys compete to get girls to have sex; you can tell a girl anything to make her do it, that you love her; that your balls hurt; but a girl comes second after sport and mates. As a boy, I was told: women's bodies are really disgusting. As a boy, I was told: a girl must want me more than I want her; she must not be the one to end it, it's not good to be too in love . . . you are vulnerable; a man has to get as much and give as little as he can; if you fall in love your mates will mock you; if you hurt you can't talk to anyone about it. As a boy, I was told: my penis is all-important; when a man wants sex, he will have a big, hard dick; his penis is like a weapon; he can always get an erection; a real man has many women; without an erection or ejaculation it isn't sex; a real man can satisfy a woman with his performance; a man initiates sex. As a boy, I was told: men can't control themselves; and women fantasise about being raped by a dominant man. As a boy, I was told: gay men are like women; we show we're real men by hating gay men; a real man would never be raped. As a boy, I was told a man prefers to marry a virgin; it's the man who teaches his girlfriend or wife about sex; she wants sex when he wants sex; he deserves sex if he pays. As a boy, I was told: when a man gets too old to get an erection, he's no longer a real man. As a boy, I was told: men despise women; women don't have the same morals as men; women have to respect and obey men; women look up to men and admire them; she must support his plans; she does not question or criticise him; she puts him before her needs; women are naturally submissive; this shows him that she loves him and that he's important. As a boy, I was told: I must handle the money; she won't manage; I must show respect, standing up, opening doors, as if she is a goddess; a woman should be a lady, should never argue or swear, should be gentle and giving; man is still the hunter, she can't be dominant, wild or promiscuous; women have power to twist you around their little fingers; it's wrong for her to have a baby on her own; woman are selfish if they don't want children; a woman must please a man, if she gets old, he can find a younger woman; feminist women are ugly and hairy lesbians; men may be unfaithful but their wives never are; she belongs to him; all religions say man is in control over woman; he has a right to chastise her. As a boy, I was told: women don't know the difference between joking and sexual abuse; a girl is responsible for not getting pregnant or raped or taken advantage of; one can't expect much from men; a woman should be in a protected environment where no man can mess with her; we are bodyguards for women . . . do they recognise what we do for them? Women are a mystery."

*Gail Iris Neke is an artist based in Johannesburg. She has undertaken extensive research into the roots of gender violence and abuse and has interviewed hundreds of alleged perpetrators. moliv@global.co.za

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