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Managing Relationships
Girl Child Network Trust (GCNT)
by Unity Chari
Extracted from Girl Child Network - May Newsflash
June 14, 2003

Due to the rampant sexual and physical abuse we are featuring an article by Unity Chari on managing relationships. We hope you will take the advice and guidance seriously because your youth is your pride and you should never let anyone abuse it.

Summary
Young people today are growing in a very complex society and most of them are also very ill equipped to deal with its various dynamics some of which pose serious dangers to their lives. Gone are the days when children and young people would grow up in stable family and social environments where the family and the community were the bastions of security, where they could expect to be protected and feel safe, where social expectations were clear and people’s futures were almost predictable.

The widening of the gender gap has resulted in the creation of exploitative relationship between men and women and commercialisation of relationships. Increasing competition for resources has also blurred the social roles brining the two genders in the conflict with each other. Increasingly men, unable to control their external environment and feeling threatened by women’s empowerment, resort to the use of brute force to get what they want. Wide access to the media has brought in new values, aspirations and social expectations which promote individuality and self-gratification. The portrayal by the media of women as objects of men’s pleasure and acquisitions has diminished their dignity. Glamorisation by the media of gratuitous violence and sex has diminished the value of loving and caring relationships between people and especially men and women.

How can Young People Deal with this Situation?
The starting point of dealing with this situation is understanding and acknowledging the complexity of modern day living and the challenges that it presents to young people. It is a process that will ultimately require political and moral commitment not only by the leadership, but also parents, communities and the youth themselves to revisit social values, as well as existing sanctions for destructive behaviour; to deliberately create environments which promote learning of positive nurturing traits and the establishment of non-abusive relationships. Adults need to provide role models through adopting sound values and living model lives.

Young people will need to take much of the responsibility for that change. The process needs to start with:

• Self Identity- young people today need to have a clear sense of who they are and to unlearn those things that take away from self-worth. This will require self-analysis. They must begin to project an image of what they want people to see and demand recognition and respect for who they are without being obnoxious.
• Clear Sense of Values- what is important to you and what makes you feel good about yourself and not what others expect of you. You must be prepared to define the parameters of what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and treatment. This must be communicated clearly and firmly to people that you associate with. This will require young people to be prepared to break away from the herd and stand out as individuals.
• Understanding what are Good or Bad Relationships- abuse has become so rampant in our society, it has begun to be viewed as normal by many people. Young people who have grown under such negative influences have difficulty identifying what are good or bad relationships. Good relationships are supportive and nurturing, make you feel safe, loved and accepted for who you are. They also create space for you to grow and become that person you want to be. Bad and unhealthy relationships are those that are characterized by control, domination, exploitation, pain and suffering, where individuals are abused physically, emotionally and psychologically. In such relationships, people are manipulated, belittled and experience little freedom to be who they would like to be. Young people need to trust their instincts and understand that if something makes them feel uncomfortable, it is not right for them.
• Choice of Partners in Relationships- while some relationships are given e.g. family, colleagues, peers, many times young people have the freedom to choose the people whom they associate with. Making good choices about friends, partners, husbands/wives are thus critical. The people that we associate with are usually a reflection of our own identity and values. Choices should be based on a clear understanding of what you need in a healthy relationship. The danger is that today’s youth are under so much pressure to feel a sense of belonging with the unhealthy, materialistic and self-serving culture. Thus relationships are often formed on the bases of whether they will advance their popularity and acceptance by associates and modelled on the image and image of those associates e.g. what the associates have, their physical attributes, their social status, what they will get from them. The youth are therefore often prepared to sacrifice their well being to this materialism and this creates fertile ground for exploitation and abuse. It is important to chose as associates people who share the same values, who re caring and supportive and will be loyal to you.
• Understanding that they do not need to put up with abusive relationships- this is especially important as abused people sometimes feel that they have no choice but to stay in abusive relationships. Young people need to understand that there are always choices about their friends, partners, associates, behaviour, where to go or not to go etc. The choice you make is often what stands between you and abuse and exploitation. Putting up with abuse will poison your whole life, diminish your self-worth and affect your experiences in other area of your life e.g. school, work etc.
• Assertiveness in Relationships- while it may be difficult to make choices about some thing e.g. parents and other relatives, living environments etc, you can however maintain some control in those situations by asserting yourself, by being clear and communicating what you expect and standing for what you believe is right. Young people can also earn the respect of family members through being active and responsible members of that family and society. Family situations need to be especially managed carefully to manage the psychological pressure where other’s needs are put ahead of yours.
• Taking Action- as soon as abuse is identified in a relationship, young people need to take action immediately and consistently. This is especially important in partner relationships where young people need to communicate very clearly early in the relationship what they will not put up with and what action they will take if abused. They need to provide consistent feedback on how they feel about the relationship and take action at the first occurrence of the abuse. Consistency and permanency of the action is important so that you need not send mixed signals. Many times people are persuaded to change their course of action because someone has apologised, is sorry or has bought them an expensive gift. Young people need to understand that people do not change easily and that if someone has done it once, chances are there that they will do it again. The abuse will also escalate over time. Once the abuser knows that they can get away the abuse, they will continue to do it. Young people, especially girls, need to understand that control and abuse are not an expression of love and that material things cannot make up for physical and emotional pain. Taking action involves removing yourself from the abusive situation, seeking protection, reporting the abuse; even just talking about it and seeking help as well as getting counselling if necessary. This requires courage and acceptance that the abuse is not their fault (there is no excuse for abuse) and that they are not the problem. Taking action requires the support of good social networks and that is why choosing the right people to associate with is critical; people who will recognise your pain and extend support without being judgmental.
• Understanding what Recourse is Available- taking action against abuse requires young people to understand and be familiar with the existing legal/social sanctions against abuse e.g. the Sexual Offences and Child Protection Acts, the judicial system and Victim Friendly Courts and how they operate; which NGOs work in this area and how to access their support.

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