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Bulawayo
Help Network newsletter - Issue 09
Bulawayo
Help Network
October 09, 2013
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The
daughter talk
“Age is not for
sissies”, so one of the 1950s glamour girls is reputed to
have said in her latter years, and it’s true. Ageing is a
huge challenge, particularly in a country where we have always coped.
Coped with sanctions, the struggle for independence, fuel shortages,
food shortages, trillion dollar inflation, and children leaving
for greener pastures. We are a nation of “copers” so
when our coping mechanisms no longer cope, it’s highly disconcerting.
We are not used to being cared for or have others taking over our
lives.
Of course, this makes
it difficult for family and friends of the ageing person who is
visibly not coping but simultaneously resisting all offers of help
and advice.
I now have “The
Daughter Talk” which I could say in my sleep and probably
has little effect but it goes something like this:
DAUGHTER: So Mum, how
are you doing?
MUM: I’m fine,
just fine. Although I had a big problem when the geyser element
stopped and it took forever to get a spare. Then of course the neighbour’s
tree fell over onto my carport roof and I can’t get him to
fix it. It’s very stressful.
DAUGHTER: So do you think
it’s time to downsize and not have to worry about all the
maintenance of a big property and house?
And then come the most
intriguing string of reasons as to why Mum can’t possibly
leave her big, stressful, rundown old family house, and they sound
something like this:
It would be so noisy
with neighbours right next door (and this coming from a particularly
deaf Mum),
Or
I’m very independent you know.
Or
It would cost me more to live in a complex than if I just stay here.
It behooves all of us
to approach our old age with a degree of rationality and forward
planning but in reality underneath all the excuses for not moving,
not downsizing are layers and layers of FEAR. Fear of change and
of the unknown.
Like most things in life,
it’s all about timing. In our experience, people should have
a plan, a decision or even made the move no later than 70 years
old at which age, they still have the capacity to make decisions
and choices and remain in control of the process. Once you get to
80years it’s pretty much too late as the thought of packing
up and moving becomes increasingly overwhelming in the face of diminishing
capacity. We have to tread gently with our parents, relatives, friends
and selves but avoiding the issue is not an option either. GOOD
LUCK!
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