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Inside/Out with Roelof Colyn, Performer, A Handful of Keys, HIFA 2012, and dachshund lover
Kubatana.net
May 03, 2012

Describe yourself in five words.
Friendly, fair, amusing, nervous, silly.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
In terms of theatre, never blame an audience for being small - whether two or two thousand.

What's the most ridiculous thing you've ever done?
So many of those.

(Ian says: the list is so long . . .but, he once farted so badly it was a green noxious cloud that Iran tried to use as chemical warfare. But he did it just before I had to sit next to him at the pianoforte in front of a crowd of bemused Australians. I announced, "The show has stopped because I am unable to breathe and play simultaneously.")

What is your most treasured possession?
My Nintendo Wii.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
If I'm not working then I don't feel useful.

Do you have any strange hobbies?
I have no hobbies whatsoever.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Hahaha - that they live in Kimberley. (Interviewer: No, sorry, I meant your Appearance, not your Parents.) What wine in a box has done to my figure?

What is your greatest extravagance?
Buying a French car - a white Renault Cleo - to service that thing cost more money than anything else.

What have you got in your fridge?
Always juice, always vegetables, always Tabasco, always tomatoes. My house is never without salt.

What is your greatest fear?
That I will have to work until I die. I'd like to work because I want to, not have to.

What have you got in your pockets right now?
Usually a lighter and Grandpa Powders; and to counter that, Rennies. I'm anxious if I don't.

What is your favourite journey?
I enjoy music that I don't have to analyse. I have a good ear so I'm always analysing - I like to let it take me. And getting older.

Who are your heroes in real life?
I'm a little afraid to have heroes or people I look up to. My friends, they're there because I'm doing something right.

When and where were you happiest?
When I was born - best two months of my life. And when I got to play a rhapsody of Queen's music I composed. It was a 36-piece orchestra; played in 8 minutes.

What's your biggest vice?
Smoking.

What were you like at school?
A complete and utter nervous nerd. My IQ came back 136 and the teacher said I needed special needs. I flunked Maths with an H - between 0 to 9%.

What are you doing next?
Literally I'm looking forward to going back to my dachshunds. I'm the Band Leader and Arranger for a show on KYKNET. More Handful of Keys. That's about it actually. And if people call me, I'll do that.

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