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A walk in the night
Valerie Tagwira, Munyori Literary Journal
March / April 2009

http://www.munyori.com/valerietagwira.html

Nyasha

Nyasha walked reluctantly behind her father's sister. There was tightness in her throat, and her mouth felt strangely dry. She dragged her unwilling feet and tried to hide behind Vatete Revai's imposing solidness.

Although there were only a few people walking along the road, Nyasha was grateful for the twilight and appreciative of the subtle privacy that it offered. She wrapped her arms around herself, more aware of a pounding in her chest as their destination became nearer.

Vatete Revai hurried along, muttering something about how difficult it would be to find Mai Solo's house, now that it was getting dark. Focused as she was, Vatete Revai did not look back at Nyasha or urge her to walk faster. Her fervour to get to their destination equalled Nyasha's own reluctance.

Once they were in Mai Solo's neighbourhood, they stopped once to ask a little boy for directions. He sat perched on the edge of a concrete block, enfolded by the luminosity of a tower-light. In front of him were his wares: four rows of small tomatoes, and a pile of wilting vegetables to sell to people returning from work. The boy was sucking greedily on a mango. Nyasha could just make out thick mango juice trickling between his small, wet fingers. Her stomach heaved. She forced the feeling down.

'Do you know the way to Mai Solo's house, my child?' Vatete Revai asked softly, fidgeting with her headscarf, her eyes darting.

The little boy stared at them, and with an ostensibly practised swivel on his perch, he pointed straight ahead. 'Over there . . . behind the gum trees at the corner', he lisped.It was as if his little hand was accustomed to directing the desperate to Mai Solo's house.

'Thank you my child'. Vatete Revai's relief was evident in the tone of her voice. It was a tone that Nyasha had recently ceased to associate with her aunt. So much had changed, including Vatete Revai's voice. This constant fidgeting with her headscarf was also something new.

Mai Solo's house was concealed behind a row of tall gum trees. Broad trunks and thick foliage created shadowy, mysterious surroundings. Like a camouflage, Nyasha thought, her uneasiness growing.

Vatete Revai knocked on the door and they waited. Nyasha could feel her heartbeat rising from her chest; its cadence now a constricting pulsation in her throat. Suddenly hot and dizzy, she leant against the wall and tried to steady herself. Her aunt remained stiff-backed, waiting for the door to open. It was almost as if she had resolved to ignore her altogether. They didn't have to wait long. 'Come in!' a voice rang out with a peculiar exuberance. Vatete Revai opened the door and, leaving their shoes at the door, they entered.

'Come in, come in.' The woman who welcomed them was young and strikingly beautiful. She smiled at them and motioned to some armchairs. Vatete Revai and Nyasha sat down.

Nyasha threw stealthy glances towards an open connecting door, expecting a small, hunched woman with a black headscarf and no teeth to hobble in from the next room. No such woman entered. She wondered if they had come to the right house.

'Good evening,' Vatete Revai spoke softly, avoiding the younger woman's direct gaze and adjusting her headscarf without need.

'Good evening to you,' the young woman responded.

A tense, brief silence followed. The woman smiled again and inclined her head, obviously waiting for either Vatete Revai or Nyasha to say something. Nyasha stared intently at a spot between her feet.

Vatete Revai stirred and spoke. 'A close friend has advised us to come here. My niece . . . ,' she laid a heavy hand on Nyasha' s thigh.

Without intending to, Nyasha flinched, remembering yesterday.

Vatete Revai cleared her throat and continued, 'My niece here, she needs . . . ....' She hesitated again, and then asked, 'Is Mai Solo here?'

The young woman laughed, showing prominent dimples.

'I am Mai Solo.' She said, and then laughed again. Nyasha wondered how she could be so full of life, and so full of laughter, especially if she was indeed Mai Solo.

Her expectations visibly challenged, Vatete Revai looked doubtful for a moment. But the enormity of their circumstances must have struck her again, for she quickly regained composure, saying in an apologetic voice, 'Aizve! I am so sorry.' Mai Solo waved her hand in a frivolous gesture. 'Never mind, I am used to that. People who've never met me always expect somebody different. I can help your niece. But could you excuse me just for a few minutes?'

'Yes of course,' Vatete agreed readily. Nyasha remained mute, agonizing over how exactly Mai Solo intended to help her. Vatete had been sparing with details, and she'd been too petrified to ask for explanations. Not after everything that had happened.

Mai Solo exited. After a couple of minutes, her voice rose. Then a child's voice was heard, intertwining with hers. Nyasha could not make out any distinct words. She stole a furtive glance at Vatete Revai. Her hands were resting on her lap, fingers interlocked, and she was staring at the floor. Silent and rigid.

A door banged, followed by a momentary silence. Metallic squeaking intruded into the stillness and passed just outside the window. Like wheels, Nyasha thought.A few minutes later, Mai Solo walked back in, looking somewhat flustered. This time, her smile seemed somewhat contrived.

'Sorry about that. I had to take Solo to Mai Rosie . . . ..my friend next door. He can't be here. You understand?'

Nyasha did not understand. However, her aunt nodded vigorously in agreement.

Mai Solo looked at Vatete Revai and said, 'Let's go into the next room so we can talk first.'

Turning to Nyasha, she laid a warm hand on her shoulder and asked, 'What's your name, my dear?'

'Nyasha.'

'Lovely name for a lovely girl. Stay here my dear, while I have a chat with your aunt. I will come back for you.'

Nyasha nodded in silence, not trusting herself to speak. She felt very far removed from the lovely girl that Mai Solo had surmised she was.

Like co-conspirators, they left her sitting there, struggling with her fear. She wanted to spring from the armchair and escape into the obscurity of night. But of course she couldn't. Where would she go? Vatete Revai was all she had. In what seemed like no time, Mai Solo was back, gesturing for her to follow. Her smile was gone. Nyasha wondered what Vatete Revai had told her, and she was seized by an overwhelming need to apologise. She was not sure though, what to apologise for. Her eyes stung with imminent tears but she held them back. She got up slowly and followed Mai Solo into the room where her aunt sat. She stood near the door, inspecting the room warily. Her eyes were drawn to one corner where a reed mat was spread out. Partly covering it at the centre was a large white plastic sheet that had once carried maize meal. She could just make out the words, 'Chibataura Roller Meal' on one half of the plastic sheet. She pressed her hands on her stomach.

Next to the mat were two bowls from which steam rose like faint mist and dispersed into the room. A third bowl contained metallic objects and a thin hose partially covered by a red blanket.

With no further preliminaries, Mai Solo took her arm and led her towards the mat. Vatete Revai gave a subtle nod, showing her consent. Again Nyasha was beset by a profound sense of exclusion. She surrendered herself into the hands of the two older women.

'I am here to help you. Just do what I tell you. I will take . . . it . . . out within ten, twenty minutes, and after that you will be fine.' Mai Solo said, looking intently into her eyes.

Doubtful, Nyasha turned to look at Vatete Revai for some sign of encouragement, but her aunt had averted her face. 'Take off your underwear and lie on the mat with your legs spread open. Put your head over here'. Mai Solo's voice was a curious blend of tenderness and authority.

Nyasha found herself lifting her dress and stripping off her underwear. Her legs carried her forwards as if on their own accord. She lay down on her back. The plastic sheet was icy cold. Through it, the reed mat poked hard into her back. She was thankful for the improvised pillow that Mai Solo had patted into place.

She tried to part her legs as instructed, but they were like dead weights. She recoiled when she felt a hand on each knee. However, Mai Solo was unexpectedly gentle as she parted her legs as far as they would go. She closed her eyes, mortified by the intimacy of the woman's hands.

The hands shifted, and something cold and hard shot up into her. There were spasms of excruciating pain. She felt as if her insides were being ripped apart. Screaming, she writhed in agony. Her aunt held her down in a vice-like grip, while Mai Solo continued working silently between her legs.

Vatete Revai placed a firm hand over her mouth, inadvertently covering her nose in the process. Her voice was harsh with fury. 'Stop your stupid screaming. Do you want the whole township to come and witness your disgrace?'

'No! No!' Nyasha struggled even harder, desperate for air.

Vatete Revai moved her hand and shoved a piece of wood between her lips. 'Bite it!'

The girl bit into the piece of wood and tried not to scream. She felt the piece of wood crumble as it mixed with her tears, mucus and sweat. She spat and coughed.

The pain increased. Her eyes flew open to see her aunt's face transforming... Vatete Revai's face was his... panting and smothering her with slobbery kisses. He was nibbling her ear playfully, then she heard his urgent whispers explaining that it was all her fault. How can I resist you? You are so tempting, so beautiful, so seductive? And he was pushing himself harder and faster between her legs.

The face morphed back into Vatete Revai's angry face, and Nyasha passed out.

Revai

Revai was panicking. She could scarcely believe how things had spiralled out of control. A gush of blood poured out of Nyasha, making a little puddle on the Chibataura plastic sheet. A steady trickle continued. Nyasha lay moaning and writhing. Mai Solo was astonishingly calm. She rubbed Nyasha's stomach with one hand and pressed a small blanket between her legs with the other hand. Sombre and unsmiling, she turned to Revai, 'I'm sorry. I don't think it's going to stop. Something must have gone wrong when she was struggling. She needs to go to hospital.'

Revai's heart sank. She had no faith in the general hospital. Besides, something was bound to be suspected if they took Nyasha there.

'But, will she be all right at the hospital? And won't we get into trouble?' she wanted to know. Her voice quivered and she hated herself for it. She had resolved to see this through without baulking. For Nyasha's sake, as much as for her own. But then, she had not bargained for this.

Mai Solo exhaled loudly, worry lines appearing on her face. 'No, we won't. We just have to be careful about what we tell them, and about what Nyasha tells them. She will be fine.'

Although her voice was firm, the look on her face was not convincing. Revai could only nod dazedly, not comforted at all. Resentment against Mai Solo surged. She cursed herself inwardly. How could I have been so foolish to put all my trust in one so young?

'I have to go and call for an ambulance. Please clean up and hide all these things under the bed. We have to act quickly,' Mai Solo said.

Revai nodded, pulling herself together. She sprang into action, spurred on by the urgency in the other woman's voice. While Mai Solo hurried off to call for an ambulance, she hid all of the paraphernalia under the bed. Cleaning up Nyasha's blood threw the horror of what they had done right into her face.The girl was still writhing and moaning.

'Just say you started bleeding, Nyasha. Please. Just say you have heavy periods, and this happened to be the worst.' Even as she said it, she knew that nobody would believe such a story. The girl kept on whimpering and Revai was not sure that she had heard her at all.

She persisted, 'Don't tell anyone anything Nyasha . . . Are you listening? Please say something.'

She gathered Nyasha's limp form in her arms. The rage that she had felt against her during the previous week had ebbed. She sobbed as she cradled the girl in her arms. She tortured herself with questions that had no answers. How could this have happened? How do such things happen to good girls? To innocent, orphaned girls?

Nyasha stirred and tried to say something, but the words were garbled and her voice was barely above a whisper. Revai held her in a tighter embrace, wondering what she would tell her husband, and the rest of her family. As it was, she had made up a story about Nyasha accompanying her to collect a debt from a friend. She had promised her husband that they would be back by eight that same evening. And they would have managed. Except for this. It was already after seven. She wept tears of despair and bitterness.

When the ambulance arrived, the staff did not take time asking too many questions. A drip was attached to Nyasha's arm and she was whisked into the waiting ambulance. Both Mai Solo and Revai got in with her.

They were silent on the way to hospital. The strident siren filled Revai's head, drowning her agitated thoughts.When they arrived, everything seemed to happen in an accelerated blur. Casualty was swarming as usual but Nyasha was rushed past queues of waiting patients. She was examined behind some screens by a doctor who then came out and asked to speak to the girl's relatives. He took Revai aside.

'Nyasha is bleeding heavily, which is quite unusual for a young girl. I need to know exactly what happened so that we can give her the best possible care.'

Revai hesitated, remembering Mai Solo's warning.

'I found her bleeding at home. About an hour ago . . . She has lost so much blood . . . I don't know why. She does have heavy periods, doctor.' She spoke slowly in measured tones.

The doctor frowned slightly and scratched his head. He looked exhausted. Revai felt a twinge of guilt for withholding important details and for wasting his time.

'Did you know that she was pregnant?' His voice was grave.

Her eyes widened, and her hand flew to her mouth, simulating surprise. 'Doctor, I just don't see how Nyasha could be pregnant. It is not possible. She is just a child,' she said, her voice rising with hysteria even as she lied.

The doctor gave her a perplexed look and snorted. 'Apparently not! The things that these children do . . . .'

Despite herself, Revai felt an urge to spring to Nyasha's defence. She had never been like 'these children'. Not in that sense. If only . . .

'We have to take her to theatre to examine her and do whatever is necessary to stop the bleeding. Please read this form and sign it,' he said, handing her a document. Revai signed it hurriedly, without really seeing the words because they had all merged into one wavy blur before her eyes.

'Will she be all right?' she asked, needing assurance that she was not misplacing her trust for the second time in one night. 'I wish I could say I am certain of that. But at this point, I really don't know. You can wait upstairs..... . . . there are benches just outside the office next to theatre.'

Revai thanked him and walked on heavy legs back to Mai Solo.

The two women made their way past the queues and up the stairs. Just outside theatre, they found a bench to sit on. 'What did he say? Will she be all right?' Mai Solo asked. The confident, smiling young woman was gone. Her face was pinched and crestfallen.

'I don't know yet.' Revai replied slowly.

Mai Solo pulled a wad of notes from her hand bag and held it out to her. Her hands were trembling. 'Please take this back. I can't keep it. Not after this. Please,' she pleaded.

Revai shook her head. She did need money but she just couldn't bring herself to accept the money in Mai Solo's hands. It was somehow tainted.

Mai Solo did not press further. Her hands still shaky, she placed the bundle of notes back into her bag and pulled the zip. Revai voiced thoughts that were a muddle of anxiety. 'If anything should happen . . . how will I live with myself? She is a very special girl. So obedient, so intelligent. I can't imagine how this could have . . . .'

A muffled sob caught in her throat.

Mai Solo remained silent. She turned to Revai and hugged her. Revai cringed initially, and then relaxed before gently prising herself out of the awkward embrace.

'My husband will be wondering where I am. .....He loves that child like his own daughter. He wasn't supposed to know about any of this, but now . . . ..' Her voice weakened.

'Your husband might be disappointed. But it will pass,' Mai Solo made a forceful declaration, as if trying to convince herself as well. 'And the school doesn't have to know about this either.'

She squeezed Revai's hand, asking, 'Do you know who is responsible for the pregnancy?'

'She won't say. I have begged her; I have shouted at her.....Nothing makes a difference. It hurts me so much because we have always been very close, but now....' She shook her head despondently, remembering how Nyasha's lower lip had trembled, how unshed tears had glistened in her eyes. The girl's dejection had stirred up unwelcome, long buried memories. Revai had been there before. Survive she had, but something had died within her.

'I just want her to be all right,' she whispered and covered her face briefly, before looking around in despair at their bleak hospital surroundings.

Mai Solo replied quietly, 'We have to hope. Sometimes these hospitals have medicines, drips, motivated staff . . . Remember how quickly they attended to Nyasha.'

They sat in silence, lost in thought. To distract her own thoughts from Nyasha, Revai drew Mai Solo back to the present with a question. Even as she spoke, she could hear how irrational her words sounded under the circumstances. 'Why do this? You are such a lovely woman....'

Momentarily incensed, Mai Solo looked at her and countered, 'What is that supposed to mean? Why did you bring your niece to me? Shouldn't you have supported her through the pregnancy and let her have the baby?'

Revai cleared her throat. It was a low, uncomfortable sound of embarrassment. She chewed on her lower lip, adjusted her headscarf and did not answer. She thought again of her own situation so many years before. The world was not kind to girls who got pregnant at fourteen. Disclosure at this point was out of the question.

Appearing to let go of her annoyance, Mai Solo sighed and said to her, 'Look, I provide a necessary service. If not me, then someone else would do it. At least, I genuinely care about the girls and women that I help.'

There had to be more. Revai remained silent and waited.

'And of course, it comes down to money. I suppose you have a loving husband to look after you. But life is different for me. You understand?'

Revai shook her head. Mai Solo threw her a quizzical look and continued, her voice now transformed into a low confiding murmur. 'I am a single mother to a disabled boy. I earn enough from this job to ensure that Solo always has a good wheelchair; that we have money for food and clothes.. ...and money to pay for Solo's check-ups with private doctors. You know what these government hospitals are like now . . . . . . '

Revai started, 'But can't you do something ...?

Mai Solo's interrupted with a quick retort,' What choices does someone like me have in this country?' Revai stared.

'I was once a prostitute. The money was good but I hated it....Don't look at me like that. Or feel sorry for me. We are doing better than most. The special needs school that Solo used to attend closed down because they no longer had funds . . . .'

'But . . . .'

Mai Solo raised a hand, obviously keen to have her point heard.

'No, let me finish. You asked, didn't you? The government has nothing to offer the disabled so I have to make sure my son has a life! A life with some dignity. I am teaching him to read and write, following up on where the school left off. In our little world, we are happy. We are secure. And it's all down to this....this.. that you would dare to criticise me for!' Just then, a nurse came out of the theatre office to call Revai. She asked Mai Solo to come too. The doctor was standing by the window and looking out into the night. He turned to face them, a solemn expression on his face. He explained that Nyasha had lost so much blood that she had collapsed on the operating table. They had failed to resuscitate her.

Revai's journey was in a shocked haze. On the combi home, her eyes hardly registered her fellow passengers. Isolated in her grief and anxiety, she spoke to no one. Her own screams in the doctor's office still rang in her ears, interspersed with Mai Solo's fragmented apologies at the hospital gate.

She buried her face in her hands and wept silent tears. Her heart had been in the right place. She had wanted to avert a scandal. She had wanted to secure Nyasha's future. But now, she questioned her ideals and motives to find them diminished by the horror of tragedy.

It was late at night when she arrived at home. Jona was waiting for her. He was playing a noisy game with Alex on a battery- powered toy. She collapsed into his arms, sobbing.

'What's wrong? What's wrong, Revai? Where is Nyasha?' he asked, supporting her in his arms. Her sobs were muffled against his chest.

'Where is she my dear? Please stop crying and talk to me,' he asked her, wiping her tears with his hand.

Revai could not stop crying. She felt little Alex tugging at her dress but she could not will herself to pick him up. Jona gripped her upper arms, concern lining his face. 'What happened? Tell me mudiwa.'

Revai tried to speak, but all she managed to do was to stutter, 'Nyasha . . . she was pregnant....she . . . she .. ..I took her for an abortion . . . .'

She stopped when she felt his body stiffening, moving away, his arms dropping from the embrace. She looked up at him, pleading silently for his forgiveness, needing to be enfolded again in the shelter of his arms.

'What did she say to you? We can fix this. Where is she? Nobody has to know about this!' He hissed in a strained voice, a look of panic on his face.

Stunned, Revai stepped backwards, searching his face, but he wouldn't look at her. She sagged against the wall, shaking her head, holding her hands to her chest.

'Please tell me you are not saying what I think you are saying! Was it you? Was it you Jona?' She screamed at him.

His silence and the expression on his face became the confirmation she didn't want to hear. She lunged and pummelled his chest with her fists. He seized her wrists and they grappled. Alex started bawling.

'Nyasha is dead. The abortion went wrong. She is dead Jona! Dead, dead! Do you hear me?' she cried, intent that he should not only feel shame, but pain too. Pain as deep as she was feeling.

The girl had been as good as their daughter. Even he had constantly said that. So what had changed? That she had grown hips and breasts? Blossomed into an attractive adolescent? How could that be any excuse, when she had always been there for him? Always?

Jona let go of her wrists and groaned, covering his face with his hands. The small distance between them became a yawning cavern. Revai wanted to hit him, to throw things at him . . . to do anything that might release her pain and anger. But in spite of herself, she also wanted to reach out to him, to close the distance; to touch him and feel the warmth of his embrace again. She wanted to hear him say that this was just a bad dream and everything would be all right.

But he didn't make any move to comfort her. Turning, he walked into the darkness of night without looking back. He left the door wide open.

She remained slumped against the wall, unable to summon any strength to follow him.

'Mama, mama', little Alex cried and tugged at her dress. She gathered him into her arms, eager to find some solace in his soft, chubby body.

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