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Talks, dialogue, negotiations and GNU - Post June 2008 "elections" - Index of articles
In the classroom: Ministers and their functions
Chenjerai
Hove
February 03, 2009
Imagine entering a classroom
of Grade Seven students, 12 years old. As a teacher you want to
prepare them for the exams and ensure they pass. You will be happy,
and their parents too. But then on that particular day you want
to give them a Civics or General Knowledge lesson. I would imagine
this is the kind of classroom interaction you might have with the
'smart' children in a township in Zimbabwe:
Teacher:
Okay children, today is Civics. I want you to know the functions
of our ministers and other important people in government. First
question: What does the Reserve Bank Governor do?
Paul:
He removes zeros from the currency today and puts them back again
tomorrow. I want that easy job when I grow up.
Teacher:
Not bad. But then what does the minister of finance do?
Sharon:
He does nothing. He has no money.
Teacher:
Oh, I didn't think about that! And the minister of primary and secondary
education?
Shamiso:
He closes schools and sends teachers to Botswana.
Teacher:
And now the big one. I know you are waiting for this. How
about the Minister of Higher Education?
Tom:
He closes universities and gets the students arrested.
Teacher:
And the minister of culture?
Petros:
He designs a stool for the President in parliament although the
President is not a member of parliament.
Teacher:
You children seem to read newspapers a lot. How about the
Minister of Justice?
Sibongile:
Is he not the one who changes documents at night and also writes
long sentences which no one understands?
Teacher:
The first part of the answer is good, the second part is not. How
about the Minister of Information?
Tapiwa:
That is the one who writes long sentences, and calls an
elephant 'a big animal,' and he calls 'yellow' ' white,' and 'black'
'pink' and 'brown' 'blue'. His job seems to be to confuse everybody
about everything. At night he closes newspapers and arrests journalists.
That is what my mother said. She was a journalist.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Transport?
Spiwe:
He buys old Chinese aeroplanes and buses and then throws
them away.
Teacher:
What does the Minister of Trade do then?
Fanuel:
He runs a tuckshop next to our house and sells cheap Chinese clothes
and shoes. And these shoes are funny. After wearing them for one
day, our cat is already playing with my peeping toes.
Teacher:
(laughs) And the Minister of Roads?
Jennifer:
He makes potholes.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Economic Planning?
Emmanuel:
He has nothing to do.
Teacher:
And now the big one, the Minister of Agriculture?
Fanuel:
He takes farms from good farmers and gives them to his friends,
then he flies over the farms in a hellocopter.
Teacher:
It's called Helicopter. And the Minister of Women's Affairs.
John:
She sings and dances at rallies and wears a dress with
the President's picture.
Teacher:
And the Mayor of a City?
Itai:
He wears glittering chains around his neck and likes to
shake hands with the President.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Local Government and Urban Housing?
Shamiso:
He destroys people's houses and sends them to the villages in winter.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Agricultural Mechanization?
Jabulani:
He drives tractors at the President's farm.
Teacher:
What about a permanent secretary, what does he do?
Todd:
He sits permanently, reading newspapers and sometimes makes
telephone calls after every cup of Tanganda tea.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Posts and Telecommunications?
Tobias:
I think he is the one who cuts all the telephone lines to every
house.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Water Resources?
Tererai:
He puts mud and dirt in all the water which comes to our house.
My mother said so.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Industry?
Tinashe:
He shuts down all the industries. That is what my father said. He
has no job now.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Tourism?
Shuvai:
I suppose he goes to Victoria Falls every week, with his
girlfriend. Then he supervises beauty contests once a year.
Teacher:
And the Minister of State Security?
Daniso:
He wears dark glasses, but my uncle said we should not talk about
that.
Teacher:
And the Minister of Defence.
Edward:
He sends soldiers to fight vegetable vendors in our street.
Teacher:
(shakes his head) Okay, time is up. You children are brilliant.
But I am afraid you will not pass your exams. The Minister of Education
does not accept all those answers. Tomorrow we deal with 'arms of
government.' It is all on pages 1980 to 2009 of the book written
by the Honourable Minister of Education.
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